Ever since the Chinese government pulled that bullshit capture of Jack Bauer, I haven’t been a big fan of the pork fried rice free samples at the mall. But the Lo Mein Warriors took one step in the right direction today, releasing its list of banned and restricted items for Olympic spectators.

Not sure whether it’s safe knowing that security used this same list for the Kanye West Glow In The Dark Tour. (Yeah, the douchebag rent-a-cop made me throw away my lanyard and hide my buddy’s digital camera next to a cactus. I was thisclose to not finding it after the concert.)

Banned
• Guns and ammunition. Seems to be the standard these days.
• Crossbows and daggers.

Restricted
• Musical instruments.
• Flags of countries and regions not participating either in the Olympics or Paralympics.
• Long-handled umbrellas. Just the chode ones.
• Animals (except for guide dogs).
• Wireless devices.