So here’s the deal. There was this 11-year-old boy named Allan who was screwing around on a golf course with his buddy. Only his third time golfing, Allan dropped a ball into a hole 150 yards away on one shot. Yeah, that’s an ace. A hole-in-one. The full-court shot of golf.

Funny thing is, the kid didn’t know what he did was so special. Not because he’s 11 and had only golfed twice before. No. He didn’t know it was so special because his parents raised him in a fucking box.

Want proof?

Allan was mum about his hole-in-one when he got home, and never told his mom, Karen, about it. “I didn’t even know what a hole-in-one was,” she said. “We’re not golf people.”

Damn, Karen. You probably don’t know what a vice is, and there’s a chance that your husband doesn’t own one since he’s not man enough. So go find a neighbor who has a workbench. Ask if you can use their vice, open it, then crush your head. Trust me, it’ll do one of two things, both of which will make the world a better place: 1) Make you smarter or 2) Kill you.

American parents, please learn from Karen’s mistake of being a terrible, un-American parent. Don’t let your kid live a closed life, grow up Emo and become a rapist coke-snorter. Get out of the house and learn a thing or two about life.

Here’s a list of terms to learn, along with hole-in-one, that you need to know if you’re raising a kid in America.

• Screwdriver
• Slam dunk
• Deep throat
• Home run
• Light switch
• Ace
• Scotch tape
• Knockout
• Passing lane
• Touchdown
• Vice
• Inhale and exhale regularly