Dearest members of Women Against Fantasy Sports,

Let us start off by saying that we truly love the women species. Everything about it. You’re so sensual, you make us whole and we absolutely couldn’t live without you. But you know what? We feel the exact same about sports. Every little nuance about sports.

We love stats and scores and cheerleader whores. We love hats, bats and gaudy backtats. We love scorers, fourth quarters and sideline reporters. We love slick plays, trick plays . . . we could go on for days.

And we really, really love that sports unites men. We’re not saying that sports isn’t for women, because really, sports is for everyone, but it can be argued that men enjoy it the most. And one of the newest things about sports that we love involves fantasy. Not a normal man’s fantasy — the Super Bowl with beer, then a steak with beer, then a threesome with twins, then a beer, then bed without pillow talk — but fantasy with professional athletes. A fantasy where you own a team full of star players and you control the roster.

And now you want to fuck that up with this new organization, Women Against Fantasy Sports? You’re crushing our balls here. Sure, we get the reason for this new organization — it’s for the women who have been neglected by their men because fantasy sports has taken over. Well, you know what? You just suck at time management.

Rather than rubbing all up on us during our live draft, make some sandwiches, knit a sweater, go get a pedicure. We’ll pay for it just to get you out of the house. When we’re checking scores or player ratings throughout the fantasy season, rather than getting pissed at us, join us. Ask questions that you really could give a shit less about. You don’t even have to listen to our answers. That’s what we do! We ask bullshit questions about anything and everything: How was your day? Did you tell off that bitch at work? What’s your favorite shoe brand? We don’t care what the fuck you have to say after we ask these questions, but it gets you talking and we know you love talking. So do the same to us.

When we get into relationships, we know there are many guidelines that we must understand and follow. We’ll give you one week each month to be a bitch and we won’t consider you a bitch. If you act that way outside of that timeframe, you’re just being a bitch. And we accept that. We accept the fact that you’re obsessed with shoes and candles and purses and George Clooney. So you can let us be obsessive about sports, even the fantasy kind?

Relationships must be split into two halves. Each member must meet the other in the middle. You ladies who are part of the Women Against Fantasy Sports are clearly not traveling your 50 percent. So drop the act and meet us halfway. Bring us a beer while you’re at.