Do you live in a great sports city, but would love to have that little edge over every other city in the nation? Would you love to have one of your two Major League Baseball teams on the map at the beginning of the 2009 season because of who throws the ceremonial first pitch, rather than who throws the real first pitch?

Do you want to ensure that your city will host the 2016 Olympics? Would you like perhaps the greatest basketball player today — LeBron James — to proclaim that your city’s senator is uplifting?

If you answered yes to these questions, the way to go about it is to get the aforementioned senator elected president. Sure, it’s a tough task and you’re fighting with 49 other states, but if your state can pull it off, you’ve got a great chance to make your city a great sports city. Or, in Chicago’s case, make a great sports city into a, er, greater sports city.

To recap, here’s the recipe for success. Get your city’s senator elected president and your sports cities will automatically be amazing.

Except for the Chicago Cubs. They’re still choke artists.