New England is thankful for:

• Its new MVP, Dustin Pedroia
• Manny being Manny somewhere else
• The fact that at least Tom Brady has a really hot girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen

Atlanta is thankful for:

• The fact that they don’t have to put up with Michael Vick’s bullshit anymore
• Matt Ryan’s love of dogs
• Brian McCann not being a fat tub of goo anymore

New York is thankful for:

• The rebirth of Brett the Jet
• David Tyree’s spirit fingers
• Having enough money to build a new stadium across the street for no reason at all

Philly is thankful for:

• Quarterbacks that now know what overtime is
• Will Smith, Boyz II men and cheese stakes
• World Series victories over jokeshow baseball teams that come out of nowhere

Los Angeles is thankful for:

• Kobe telling Shaq to taste HIS ass
• Manny being Manny in a No. 99 jersey
• The Clippers still being part of the NBA

San Francisco is thankful for:

• Barry Bonds shedding his Giants jersey
• The 49ers being in the shittiest NFL conference
• Mike Singletary keeping his pants on this week

Tampa Bay is thankful for:

• Its hardcore bandwagon fans
• The Rays having a new theme song
• The Buccaneers having a hot-ass cheerleading squad

Phoenix is thankful for:

• The fact that Wayne Gretzsky coaches the Coyotes, otherwise hockey wouldn’t matter in the desert
• Matt Leinart not doing beer bongs in public anymore, or isn’t doing anything for that matter
• Shaq being black Michael Phelps

Cleveland is thankful for:

• God suiting up in a Cavs jersey on game night
• The Browns not having a game on Thanksgiving. Wouldn’t want to spoil a holiday with another loss
• The fact that Cleveland apparently rocks

Seattle is thankful for:

• Abso-fucking-lutely nothing