The curse of the goat, Steve Bartman, Sammy Sosa.

You can think of almost any time in history, and at that time, you could make a strong argument that the Chicago Cubs were (and still are) part of a three-ring circle.

With all of the publicity of those lovable Cubbies being just that, there’s always plenty of heat going around about the stupid crap that happens within the program. Just go back a few years ago to when Moises Alou was pissing on his hands and Sammy Sosa was corking his bat and sneezing his way out of the lineup.

The last thing the Cubs need is more reasons to be laughed at. Which is exactly why they wouldn’t dare sign Barry Bonds.

Some think Bonds would be a great asset to the Cubs and cure their left-handed woes. In reality, that’s the last thing the Cubs need.

Here’s a list of things the Cubs would most likely agree to first before signing Bonds:

• Playing with eight men on the field — no left fielder
• Steve Bartman becomes the new left fielder
• Starting pitcher must throw 200 pitches in the bullpen before each start so they’re good and tired
• Lou Piniella gets thrown out in the first inning of each game
• Ozzie Osbourne gets to sing the seventh-inning stretch each game