Duke head men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski was reportedly in a one-car accident on Friday while driving to work, but nobody knows what the fuck happened.

In a story that has less details than Barry Bonds’ work résumé over the past year, nothing has been released about the accident, though it “was nothing serious.”

It’s so not serious that it’s not even on a police record.

So what exactly happened in this “accident”? Here’s our guess:

• Ran over a Kentucky booster
• Shit himself in the car
• Hit a dog on the side of the street while getting road head, or as they might say in Durham, Duke domes