To the surprise of GM Theo Epstein, former Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp has embraced a trade to Kansas City. (Boston Globe file photo)

BOSTON, Mass. (TSC) — A surprisingly upbeat Coco Crisp walked out of Red Sox GM Theo Epstein’s office Wednesday morning with news that the outfielder had been traded to the Kansas City Royals — taking Epstein by a pleasant surprise.

After all, Epstein spent hours developing a plan to elaborately break the trade news to Crisp in a formal meeting — preparing for the worst possible explicit explosion.

“I was kinda shocked that he embraced this move,” Epstein said on WEEI, a Boston sports radio station. “Who the fuck wants to live, work, or breathe in Kansas City? And on top of that, play for a complete shit-hole franchise like the Royals? I’m not complaining, as long as he’s happy.

“We were ready to give him the ‘Oh It’s Just Business’ talk like in years past with much of our traded talent,” Epstein added. “Guess we can save that for JD Drew or someone else.”

In a bizarre move Wednesday morning, the Red Sox traded Crisp for a player with the last name Ramirez — breaking Epstein’s blacklist of last names never to be stitched on a Boston uniform again.

Epstein anticipated backlast from Crisp, in terms of making the transition from a baseball-frenzy city like Boston to tornado-filled country life like Kansas City.

Crisp, who spent two seasons (2006-08) with the organization, anticipates a smooth transition for the corporate-like management in Boston to, in his words, “small-town Mom-and-Pop shop business” in Kansas City.

When informed that, despite obvious assumptions, even Kansas City operates like a normal Major League Baseball club, Crisp explained in-depth his passion for enterpreneurship growing up. It’s something that has always fascinated Crisp, he said. But due to professional baseball obligations, Crisp never created the opportunity to start up his own small business.

Now, as Crisp sees it, he’s part of one in an up-and-coming section of America.

“I’m pretty excited for this new journey,” Crisp said at Logan International Airport. “Back in Inglewood, I always wanted to open up my own laundrymat. So I’m a big believer in small business, and I think Kansas City certainly exemplifies those principals — just in a baseball standpoint.”

Crisp hopes Google updates its search engine

Now his career in Boston put to rest, Crisp told reporters that he hopes Google fix a flaw in its image searching technique.

“My aunt wanted new wallpaper on her computer, so she plugged ‘Coco Crisp’ into the Google machine and it said I was related to Manny Ramirez,” said an irate Crisp. “There’s no way in hell that I’m related to that prick.”

Anna loves balls

Some people love puppies and some love cats,

They may love shoes or they may love hats.

Cars and things and tools and cash,

Bars and rings and pools and ass.

But one thing we know is on Anna Kournikova’s mind,

Is a box full of balls under her behind.

Anna still loves balls

More balls!

Anna loves bubbles

Anna loves nets

Each team in the Pac-10, SEC and Big 12 will get their chance at earning your ranking.

Depending on where schools end up in their conference will depend on which slutty bowl they earn.

Welcome to the Southeastern Conference! Where hot chicks migrate to cities like Tuscaloosa. It’s truly a phenomenon.

Inside this edition: The conference bottom-feeder of Vanderbilt

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1. LSU (4.35 stars)
2. Ole Miss (4.00 stars)
3. Alabama (3.96 stars)
4. Auburn (3.62 stars)
5. Florida (3.56 stars)
6. South Carolina (3.33 stars)
7. Georgia (3.27 stars)
8. Tennessee (3.00 stars)

Chase Daniel could be one lucky bastard if he tries out that whole intra-athletic department dating idea.

TheDirty published a photo today of a member of the University of Missouri’s swimming and diving team.

They say she’s the one right of the dude — who earned our hard-earned check mark of approval.

Not quite sure whether the rest are Tigers or just accompli, but our best bet is that it’s her.

Let the stars decide:

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GANG SIGN: The ASU Trident/Shocker

From the fine folks that brought you the gang signs of the NFL and of Brandon Jennings:

In case you didn’t notice, OJ Mayo is just as hood. Juice is a nice guy, but he’s filthy with the hand signals. TSC Investigators have decoded the signs so you know what they mean next time you see them.

Exhibit A is of Mayo, a former USC Trojan, oddly showing love for Arizona State by reppin’ the Sun Devils’ Trident sign, which is often mistaken for The Shocker. His younger brother is throwing up the American symbol of disassociation and genuine dislike.

GANG SIGN: The Finger she Likes Best

GANG SIGN: The Nerdy Rocker and the Scissors

GANG SIGN: The Incorrect NBA Draft Prediction/ The No. 1 Tether ball Champ

GANG SIGN: The Air-Brest Feel-up During Phone Sex

GANG SIGN: The P-Diddy Scissor Gang Mafia

GANG SIGN: The Point to the Condiment Stand when Someone Attempts to Take a Charge

GANG SIGN: The Pit Pointer

GANG SIGN: The Admittance to Greatness

GANG SIGN: The Under Arrest for Stealing so Many Loose Balls

That’s like saying, Hey kids, here’s a great piece of advice you should know about: Knives are sharp, my head is bald, grocery store bathrooms have toilet paper than feels more like sandpaper, Skip Bayless is an assbag, Barry Bonds won’t ever play professional baseball again, Michael Jordan is rich, Jo-Lo has a big butt, Shaq sucks at free throw shooting, Stuart Scott has a lazy eye, red cups are better than blue cups, grass is green, Pamala Anderson has big boobs, and Tiger Woods is good at golf and tuition is expensive.

The Sun Devils seem a bit hefty. That's the real shocker.

The fact that President Bush is flashing the trident, Arizona State’s version of the shocker, doesn’t really surprise us. After all, he’s got the national champion track team with him, and he’s doing his best to blend in with the group. No harm done.

What does shock us, however, is the fact that several of the people in this photograph have absolutely no room to compete on a track team. Literally. Being the size of some of these people, how on earth would you be able to run 100 meters, leap into the pit of a long jump, or spring yourself up on a pole vault?

That’s the real shocker here.