Funny thing is, the kid didn’t know what he did was so special. Not because he’s 11 and had only golfed twice before. No. He didn’t know it was so special because his parents raised him in a fucking box.

Want proof?

Allan was mum about his hole-in-one when he got home, and never told his mom, Karen, about it. “I didn’t even know what a hole-in-one was,” she said. “We’re not golf people.”

Damn, Karen. You probably don’t know what a vice is, and there’s a chance that your husband doesn’t own one since he’s not man enough. So go find a neighbor who has a workbench. Ask if you can use their vice, open it, then crush your head. Trust me, it’ll do one of two things, both of which will make the world a better place: 1) Make you smarter or 2) Kill you.

American parents, please learn from Karen’s mistake of being a terrible, un-American parent. Don’t let your kid live a closed life, grow up Emo and become a rapist coke-snorter. Get out of the house and learn a thing or two about life.

Here’s a list of terms to learn, along with hole-in-one, that you need to know if you’re raising a kid in America.

• Screwdriver
• Slam dunk
• Deep throat
• Home run
• Light switch
• Ace
• Scotch tape
• Knockout
• Passing lane
• Touchdown
• Vice
• Inhale and exhale regularly

Editor’s Note: This instant analysis was written while the shit was still fresh in my pants.

Absolutely unreal.

The Boston Celtics collected themselves for just that — a collective team effort to complete the greatest comeback in NBA Finals history in a momentum-shifting Game 4.

It came from James Posey’s clutch three-point shooting. It came from Eddie House’s remarkable floor spacing, forcing the Lakers to cover all five positions. It came from Kevin Garnett, posting up on the block and grabbing 11 rebounds. It came from Paul Pierce’s tremendous lock down defense on Kobe Bryant, effectively shutting down the MVP. And it came from Ray Allen’s nine rebounds and game-clinching layup.

No Big Three. No Big Powe. No Big Perkins. The House-Allen-Posey-Pierce-KG became the Big Five that overcame a 24-point first-half deficit as one unit.

Now, instead of facing a 2-2 series against a perfect 11-0 Laker squad at home, the Celtics took a pivotal 3-1 lead in the series, with two games back at the Garden if necessary.

(Boston Globe Staff Photo / Barry Chin)

Obviously, the Boston Celtics shit out bricks tonight. Make all the star-studded-Hollywood bright-light-blinding clichés you want. Speculate that Pierce and Co. threw a premature victory party, running ramped through the streets of Inglewood. Do whatever justifies the frustration watching two different Celtics teams, a tale of two coasts. But what Game 3 came down to was a few questionable Doc Rivers moments, when a still-salvageable game was on the line.

1) Letting Kobe take RayRay one-on-one in the last two possessions of the game: Why?! Clearly on his game tonight with 36 points, Kobe didn’t settle for the fade away low percentage shots — he finally showed the aggression and sense of urgency all NBA Finals games require. Offensively, Kobe thrived on the solid ball movement and WIDE fucking OPEN looks.

Defensively… uhh… well nobody quite needed to cover Rondo anyways. Instead, Kobe played help defense by doubling either RayRay or Pierce, clogging up the middle and forcing the Celtics to settle with jump shots. Bored with that assignment, Kobe then shut down PP34, who missed 12 shots and suffered from bad foul trouble all game.

Anyways, Kobe was just Kobe. So why with 1:10 to play in a two-possession game, Doc, would you not double him at that point? Kobe absolutely school RayRay on back-to-back possessions.

2) Umm….. fouling?!?!? With about 40 seconds to go, Lakers had the ball and a six point lead…. and…. the Celtics decide not to foul? Not quite sure how much of an analysis needs to go into this common sense situation. My fourth grade youth basketball team knows how to handle a situation like that. (Granted, we were the No. 1 seed in the tournament and lost in the first round, but still, we knew what to do.)

3) Eddie House maintained the offense very effectively right after Rondo left with an injury. House did a fantastic job spreading the floor, since until that point, Kobe could congest and double team the Celtics.

With Rondo’s return brought back the offensive disaster. Not even Eddie House’s return could save the flow. House just seemed like Doc took out his flow after (yet another) superb third quarter.

4) Doc’s post game speech: He repeated SIX times to “get your rest,” as shown on ESPN.

Maybe they did hit up the clubs of LA last night.

Also on ESPN, Kobe just said “shit” on live television, and the bleepers fell asleep.

Photo Courtesy The Boston Globe