At the University of Oregon, the recruiting staff attracts their prospective football players by creating a gaudy, cheesy magazine cover — like that fifth-grade history project you reluctantly did about some joke-show president.

Common now, Euguene, Ore. You would think The Town That Nike Built could throw together bait appeals to more than just 9-year-olds. These 18-year old football players want a school with Fresh DTF Freshmen, not some corny art project.

In honor of Oregon’s lame efforts, here’s what The Sports Culture University puts together in its recruiting packages during official on-campus visits.

‘The Detour Tour’

During football season, our recruits wait all afternoon for the 7 p.m. game. Why not use that time effectively, but offering a campus tour while Mommy and Daddy chill at the hotel? TSCU loves to give our prospective athletes a hands-on look at what goes on around campus, so on Saturday afternoons, we take ‘The Detour Tour’ route, to see what kids are up to before a game. Hey, FiveStar, look over yonder:

Effective academic tutoring methods

While balancing time between the classroom and field often comes as a difficult challenge for freshmen, the folks at TSCU’s Academic Support Center dedicate their time in ensuring a quality education. For instance, our second-to-none ‘Exam Bank’ offers our finest student-athletes an opportunity to study material on the test. Like this one.

A well-rounded experience

TSCU’s biggest asset comes from our diversity and limitless activities on campus. For instance, take our highly-touted fine arts program below. Not only does the element of dance come into play, but these fine ladies also celebrate their Greek ancestry, too.