The media is clever.

They has us all thinking Tiger Woods was taking a sabbatical from golf until January to get surgery done on his knee. But TSC has learned the truth: Earth’s god of golf is actually in a coma-like state of mind.

Tiger’s “dormant state,” as doctors have begun calling it, is the result of a poisonous Granny Smith apple Tiger ate on the 16th tee during the playoff round between him and Rocky Mediate at the 108th U.S. Open.

After falling behind to Mediate at the 16th, Tiger went for the apple, which an accomplis of Mediate had earlier tainted with an unknown poison. After devouring most of the apple, Tiger is said to have thrown the core in frustration. Then he sent the round to sudden death: exactly what the Mediate clan had hopped for.

Tiger proved that he is more than a man when he still managed to defeat Mediate but he’s still very mortal. After a couple of days, the poison settled in and knocked him out, putting him in the same predicament that Snow White was put into. But unfortunately for Woods, there is no Prince Charming on the way.

After Tiger threw the core, it was quickly scooped up in a plastic cup, placed into an air-tight bag to isolate the poison, and then placed on e-Bay for auction. The seller of the item, Lifesgoodnow, is hoping that a scientist will purchase the core and discover what the poison exactly was and quickly create an antidote … before it’s too late.