I bet you laughed when you saw ESPN 8, The Ocho on Dodgeball.

But guess what? Though it was a spoof, the movie wasn’t very far off. ESPN has been covering the Outdoor Games for years. The STIHL TIMBERSPORTS Pro Series U.S. Championships kicks off today and will re-air at a later date.

And as crazy as it is for a bunch of overly-buff men to compete to see who can chop a log the fastest, you’ll watch it when it’s on TV. And why not? It’s more active than pool, bowling or spelling bees, and those make it onto ESPN, right?

And that’s a complete shame. It’s giving brainless lumberjacks undeserved attention. Get a life. Spend time with your family and stop chopping so much damn wood. We’re trying to save the trees, remember? That’s why I throw my newspapers in the bin next to the garbage can. Save the earth you scrubs.

This “sport” also gives guys like Jean-Pierre Mercier, who handcrafts racing saws, tons of money for providing tools to the brainless lumberjacks. It’s a vicious cycle.

And yes, you read that correctly. Racing saws. Saws you race with.

How bored are we in this world that we have to race with saws? Whatever happened to a footrace from the tree to the barn? A quick lap around the track? Race you to see who can stuff the most marshmellows in their mouth the quickest!

Why are we competitively racing with SAWS?

We’re regressing as a human species. We just landed a $420 million robot on Mars and there are still some overgrown apes of men who are going back to the days when men dragged their knuckles, carried clubs and lived in caves.

Dumbass buff guy1: I bet I can saw this log in half faster than you can.

Dumbass buff guy2: Nuh-uh, man. (Scratches nuts.) I’ll smoke you.

Dumbass buff guy1: Bring it on.

Jean-Pierre Mercier: Might I suggest you gentlemen use my patented Mercier Racing Saw? You can purchase one for about $1,500.

Newsflash: It’s 2008. They make machines to cut down logs. Let the machines do the work for you if you must. But what you should really be chopping off is your own head. You don’t think with it anyway. Do the world a favor and boost the global IQ by taking yourself out.

World strongest men competitions are one thing: the purpose of the competition is in the title. But world’s fastest log cutter? That’s just lame. Get a new hobby.

Next up on ESPN: Who can make the loudest fart noise with their armpits?

Photo Courtesy ESPN.com