Are you a professional athlete in the United States and are 35-45 years old? Have you ever been considered one of the best athletes to ever play the game while simultaneously being hated? Are you quickly going downhill in your career and need to find a new place to call home — somewhere where you can lay back, get a tan, sip Margaritas and count your money, just waiting for your name to be forever enshrined into your sport’s respective hall of fame?

If so, then look no further than Arizona – the hub of Sahuaro cacti, insanely slow drivers, skin cancer and the American Association of Retired People.

The AARA may get another member soon – a man who turns 44 later this month. Yes, Barry Bonds may be an Arizona Diamondback. The current home run king* would come out of unofficial retirement from the MLB to join real retired life with the likes of other professional athletes to come to the Grand Canyon State for their final years as a player.

NFL great Emmitt Smith spent two seasons of his 13-season career as an Arizona Cardinal after playing the first 11 seasons with Dallas. He later signed a one-day contract with Dallas so he could officially retire as a Cowboy, but what name was spelled across his chest in his last game? That’s right, Arizona.

It happened on the ice, too. The Michael Jordan of professional hockey, Wayne Gretzky, spent six years “in retirement” before really retiring and moving to Phoenix after 20 years as an NHL player who holds 61 records. The 47-year-old now has three years as the head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes under his belt.

Most recently, it happened with Shaquille O’Neal, 36, this past season when the NBA star was sent to the Phoenix Suns. He can now play his obligatory 28 minutes per game while getting a dark tan, writing up anti-Kobe Bryant raps and squeezing in some law enforcement work when he can — as long as he doesn’t say the ‘N’ word in public anymore.

So what are you waiting for all you washed-up pro athletes? Finish your career in spotlight provided by the sunlight. Move to Arizona now!