I woke up this morning by a buzzing cell phone located somewhere among 50 red cups. The text message, from my father, read “70-0? Is that for real?” It was for real, quite possibly one of the most lopsided scores in college football over the weekend.
And you thought a 64-minute rain delay in the fucking desert was strange. Last night, the Arizona Wildcats shoved a cactus up Idaho’s ass 70 times. Seventy. As in, the score was 70-0.
Youdaho took care of hanging up the zeroes. Now obviously, week one games of the college football season are always lopsided. You’ve got perenial powerhouse teams like USC playing South Northeast Wyoming State Community Junior Bumfuck College.
And with those slaughterings comes the most underrated job in sports journalism: losing coach interviewer:
You know this girl is gonna party hard tonight. Not only is she the boo bear of Michael Vick Dick’s brother, Marcus, but she’s also been featured in six rap/r&b music videos and two big screen videos. She’s been in magazines and calendars. She’s hot shit, basically.
But a quick note to this black and Italian (word up to our boy Vince) diva before you hit the clubs tonight: make sure to get a designated driver tonight or else you and Marcus Vick could be caught riding dirty again.
Michael Fitzpatrick, the sports editor of The Red and Black — the student newspaper for the University of Georgia — voted Georgia No. 2 in the UWIRE preseason football poll and picked Ohio State No. 1 in the nation. This is a shocker for two reasons: one, he attends Georgia and two, he was virtually the only person in the Milky Way to place Georgia in any spot besides the No. 1 spot. OK, he wasn’t completely alone, but you get the point.
Now, we know Fitz very well. A little too well, actually. We love to give him a hard time and tease him about the fact that he’s attended seven different schools in as many years and that his hair looks like an animal sitting on his head at times. And now we’ve got a buddy (Adam from UWIRE) to help treat Fitz like a human punching bag.
UWIRE — the college version of the Associated Press — has jumped on the Fitz bandwagon to question why he does what he does. Listen closely to the conversation. The UWIRE host takes a few jabs at Fitz, implying that he won’t have any sexual relations with any females during his tenure at UGA, which will last two semesters so that he can keep alive his trend of being an educational whore/transient.
This guy has raced a throughbred horse, he’s worn a jacket that said, “FUTURE H.O.F. 20??” he’s sported a Dennis Rodman-esc mowhawk and he’s played with “Ocho Cinco” on the back of his jersey. But changing his last name is the largest publicity stunt he’s ever pulled.
Yesterday we brought to your attention the fact that presidential hopeful John McCain named Sarah Palin as his running mate and that Palin was a former hoopster.
Thanks to the Internet, which can pull out even the most intimate secrets about someone in seconds, a video of Palin — then as Sarah Heath — has come to surface, showing us her skills as a 1988 sports anchor. She was pretty hot then, too.
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I woke up this morning by a buzzing cell phone located somewhere among 50 red cups. The text message, from my father, read “70-0? Is that for real?” It was for real, quite possibly one of the most lopsided scores in college football over the weekend.
