Chad Johnson is the one who wants to legally change his name to Ocho Cinco. But after last night, that may be a better name for Michael Phelps, whose eight (Ocho) Olympic gold medals have marked his signed 2004 Athens trading card with a $500 (Cinco) price tag. Oh yeah, and that was before he got his eighth gold medal.

Now, correct us if we’re wrong, but trading cards — of any sport — are so early 1990s. They were once a hot item, mostly in the baseball world. Autographed memorabilia is most definitely worth having as a keepsake, but the best things are the more substantial things, not just a tiny card.

That’s why signed baseball’s are great to have. Signed jerseys or caps, too. Sneakers, babies and boobs — anything heavier than a card.

So, here are some things that we would be willing to pay $500 for before we ever paid for a signed trading card for a swimmer, even if he is the best swimmer of all time.

• Michael Phelps’ speedsuit
• Michael Phelps’ goggles + cap combo
• Michael Phelps’ signed Wheaties box, unopened
• Michael Phelps’ size 14 sneaker; $650 for a pair
• Michael Phelps’ ipod earphones

Michael Phelps with straight teeth: Priceless