It’s no secret that Michael Phelps has some new admirers that he didn’t have two weeks ago. That includes crushes from ladies all over the planet. Even AT&T has jumped on the bandwagon of love and fanship.

We can guarantee, however, that there are new Phelps Phans that the swimmer wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot poll. This Ms. Piggy look-alike is a good example. What a jewel.

But to answer your question, Ms. Piggy: No, Phelps is not gay. You haven’t seen him with a woman because the only time you’ve seen him in your life is in the past week-and-a-half because you turned on the television (surprise) instead of walking your fat ass on a treadmill and you wanted to tune into what the rest of the world was witnessing.

While you were suffocating your couch you noticed that he’s not with a girl. Strange, since he’s in another country and his schedule revolves around swimming, drug tests and talking to the media. But you wouldn’t know that because you’re crunching of Cheetos is too loud for you to hear the television and you think that every show is a reality show.

Then you move onto other events, Ms. Piggy. You say you were very young and skinny when you were 16. That means that you’re probably 84 years old or so because you haven’t been skinny in a long ass time. At 2:54 in this video, I’m glad you finally spoke the truth: “I’m so fat, you know.”

Though it’s a strain to watch Ms. Piggy flap her mouth for a little under six minutes, if you make it to the end of this terrible video, you can finally answer the question you’ve been asking since she questioned Phelps’ manhood: What the fuck is this chick on?

Answer: Weed, the munchies magnet. Just what you need, Ms. Piggy, more food.