The LPGA has adopted a new rule stating that members must speak English or they will be suspended, you know, because a woman’s language has so much to do with how far she can hit the ball.

Though we’re all for All-American pride, this is ridiculous. Can you imagine how many MLB players would be suspended from play if they were forced to speak English? If that were the case, you can say Sayonara to many Japanese greats in the Big Leagues.

But, apparently, is different, according to deputy commissioner Libba Galloway.

“Why now? Athletes now have more responsibilities and we want to help their professional development. There are more fans, more media and more sponsors. We want to help our athletes as best we can succeed off the golf co
urse as well as on it.”

The LPGA’s membership includes 121 international players from 26 countries; 45 are South Koreans. It shu be so mush fawn to see da gofers tak vewy good in the footure.

Other tests that members of the LPGA should be required to pass when the 2009 deadline rolls around:

• Shaving armpits.
• Plucking unibrows.
• Baking cookies and/or brownies for the course scorekeepers.
• Sing “I’m Proud to be an American,” after every put is sunk.
• Getting a manicure at least 48 hours before tee time.
• Send Michelle Wie an e-mail telling her she sucks at the LPGA level, so there’s no way in hell she would exceed on the LPGA tour.