I woke up this morning by a buzzing cell phone located somewhere among 50 red cups. The text message, from my father, read “70-0? Is that for real?” It was for real, quite possibly one of the most lopsided scores in college football over the weekend.

And you thought a 64-minute rain delay in the fucking desert was strange. Last night, the Arizona Wildcats shoved a cactus up Idaho’s ass 70 times. Seventy. As in, the score was 70-0.

Youdaho took care of hanging up the zeroes. Now obviously, week one games of the college football season are always lopsided. You’ve got perenial powerhouse teams like USC playing South Northeast Wyoming State Community Junior Bumfuck College.

And with those slaughterings comes the most underrated job in sports journalism: losing coach interviewer:

“It was abysmal tonight. I was extremely disappointed that it came out that way,” said Idaho head coach Robb Akey.

Really? Abysmal? I would’ve used words more along the lines of tragic, and thrown in a couple “fucks” in there.