Seattle Seahawks’ fullback Owen Schmitt thinks he is a bad ass, and he decided to show everyone just how tough he is by smashing his own helmet into his skull. Well, after the blood rushed down his face in front of a packed stadium, he looked more like a retard. Given all the studies that have been going done regarding the NFL’s effect on health in players’ later years, if he keeps this up he may literally be a retard. Wait, too late.

Adrian Beltre won’t be turning his head to cough for a while.

In the 14 months that TSC graced your computer screen, this may be the easiest story to make fun of. It turns out Seattle Mariners third baseman injured his testicle Wednesday night after a groundball took a bad hop and hit him in between his legs.

But it’s hard to feel sorry for Beltre’s scroat sack. After all, he doesn’t wear a protective cup.

Beltre suffered tearing of the testicle and some internal bleeding. He’ll need 10 days to two weeks if he doesn’t need surgery. If he does require a doctor to poke around his junk, he’ll be out for about a month.

“It hurt pretty bad,” said Beltre, who clipped his nut in the ninth inning. “It was hurting me pretty much the whole game after that.”

New England is thankful for:

• Its new MVP, Dustin Pedroia
• Manny being Manny somewhere else
• The fact that at least Tom Brady has a really hot girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen

Atlanta is thankful for:

• The fact that they don’t have to put up with Michael Vick’s bullshit anymore
• Matt Ryan’s love of dogs
• Brian McCann not being a fat tub of goo anymore

New York is thankful for:

• The rebirth of Brett the Jet
• David Tyree’s spirit fingers
• Having enough money to build a new stadium across the street for no reason at all

Philly is thankful for:

• Quarterbacks that now know what overtime is
• Will Smith, Boyz II men and cheese stakes
• World Series victories over jokeshow baseball teams that come out of nowhere

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