ASU Sucks t-shirt: click here.

David Hasselhoff has some “Hoffspring” at the University of Arizona, joining Charles Barkley and Scott Boras as celebrity U of A fathers. But don’t ‘hassle the hoff’s’ daughter, because he’s That Cool Dad with her fellow classmates.

And no longer is Hasselhoff a Wildcat football “VIRGIN!!!!!!”:

I woke up this morning by a buzzing cell phone located somewhere among 50 red cups. The text message, from my father, read “70-0? Is that for real?” It was for real, quite possibly one of the most lopsided scores in college football over the weekend.

And you thought a 64-minute rain delay in the fucking desert was strange. Last night, the Arizona Wildcats shoved a cactus up Idaho’s ass 70 times. Seventy. As in, the score was 70-0.

Youdaho took care of hanging up the zeroes. Now obviously, week one games of the college football season are always lopsided. You’ve got perenial powerhouse teams like USC playing South Northeast Wyoming State Community Junior Bumfuck College.

And with those slaughterings comes the most underrated job in sports journalism: losing coach interviewer:

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• Lost the Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback spot to Kurt Warner.
• Lost the Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback spot to someone old enough to be his Uncle.
• Realized he would probably even lose the Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback spot to these little kids.
• Debuted the ‘Dangerous Elbow’ move that would put him on Dateline NBC with Chris Hansen.
• Determined not to fuck up anymore than he already has professionally.
• Made us think he should probably not be around any underage children (see: ASU coeds).
• Made children who wanted to see a non-Joke Show NFL player unhappy.
• Smelled bacon.

It’s our first day back to school. Time to hit the books. We’ll look toward former Wildcat Amanda Beard for motivation.

[ratings]

Noteworthy: The freshmen class of 2012 looks fine. Resist those 3 a.m. Papa Johns craves and you might still be hot come Thanksgiving.

Amidst the disturbing recent news that the Pac-10 Poon has not updated its site since March, we’d like to thank Hotdog & Friends for picking up the baton.

They kicked off the weekend — and countdown til Aug 30, the much, much, much anticipated start to college football season — with a Pac-10 preseason poll that ranks schools based on their respective women studying at each fine educational institution. Quite accurately, the list goes ASU, U of A, USC, Oregon and UCLA in the top-5, followed by a talent gap wider than Michael Strahan’s two front teeth.

(Noteworthy: Yes, No. 8-ranked Cal may have the hottest pole vaulter in America, but there’s no “pole” in “team.”)