• Lost the Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback spot to Kurt Warner.
• Lost the Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback spot to someone old enough to be his Uncle.
• Realized he would probably even lose the Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback spot to these little kids.
• Debuted the ‘Dangerous Elbow’ move that would put him on Dateline NBC with Chris Hansen.
• Determined not to fuck up anymore than he already has professionally.
• Made us think he should probably not be around any underage children (see: ASU coeds).
• Made children who wanted to see a non-Joke Show NFL player unhappy.
• Smelled bacon.

Are you a professional athlete in the United States and are 35-45 years old? Have you ever been considered one of the best athletes to ever play the game while simultaneously being hated? Are you quickly going downhill in your career and need to find a new place to call home — somewhere where you can lay back, get a tan, sip Margaritas and count your money, just waiting for your name to be forever enshrined into your sport’s respective hall of fame?

If so, then look no further than Arizona – the hub of Sahuaro cacti, insanely slow drivers, skin cancer and the American Association of Retired People.

The AARA may get another member soon – a man who turns 44 later this month. Yes, Barry Bonds may be an Arizona Diamondback. The current home run king* would come out of unofficial retirement from the MLB to join real retired life with the likes of other professional athletes to come to the Grand Canyon State for their final years as a player.

NFL great Emmitt Smith spent two seasons of his 13-season career as an Arizona Cardinal after playing the first 11 seasons with Dallas. He later signed a one-day contract with Dallas so he could officially retire as a Cowboy, but what name was spelled across his chest in his last game? That’s right, Arizona.

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Through the voice of Jeanne Zelasko:

“What happens when a 55-year-old overweight Cardinals fan throws perfect game! At Busch Stadium, nevertheless! It’s the Cougar! The Fan! Lovefest 2008! Saturday afternoon! Yelling! Live from St. Louis! Next on FOX!”

TheDirty.com brings us another tale from the bleachers, this time coming in a statutory-esque manner. According to the site,

“From the start of the game the girl was making out with the old man and standing up to show off her huge butt with the thong hanging out of her jeans.”

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