The LPGA has adopted a new rule stating that members must speak English or they will be suspended, you know, because a woman’s language has so much to do with how far she can hit the ball.

Though we’re all for All-American pride, this is ridiculous. Can you imagine how many MLB players would be suspended from play if they were forced to speak English? If that were the case, you can say Sayonara to many Japanese greats in the Big Leagues.

But, apparently, is different, according to deputy commissioner Libba Galloway.

“Why now? Athletes now have more responsibilities and we want to help their professional development. There are more fans, more media and more sponsors. We want to help our athletes as best we can succeed off the golf co
urse as well as on it.”

The LPGA’s membership includes 121 international players from 26 countries; 45 are South Koreans. It shu be so mush fawn to see da gofers tak vewy good in the footure.

Other tests that members of the LPGA should be required to pass when the 2009 deadline rolls around:

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So here’s the deal. There was this 11-year-old boy named Allan who was screwing around on a golf course with his buddy. Only his third time golfing, Allan dropped a ball into a hole 150 yards away on one shot. Yeah, that’s an ace. A hole-in-one. The full-court shot of golf.

Funny thing is, the kid didn’t know what he did was so special. Not because he’s 11 and had only golfed twice before. No. He didn’t know it was so special because his parents raised him in a fucking box.

Want proof?

Allan was mum about his hole-in-one when he got home, and never told his mom, Karen, about it. “I didn’t even know what a hole-in-one was,” she said. “We’re not golf people.”

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Laguna Beach was in Florida for the weekend. Well, sorta.

Kristin Cavallari, the star of the MTV reality show Laguna Bitch Beach, aka the stupidest show known to man because it’s filled with high school drama and was only a success because of the hot bitches, took part in the Irie Weekend Celebrity Golf Tournament in Miami this past weekend. Kevin Federline, Nick Cannon, Danny Masterson and Brody Jenner – Cavallari’s former hookup – were also down to participate in The Sport that Tiger Built.

But as we’ve learned from recent celebrity golf events, nobody takes them seriously. You can tell when you look at Cavallari’s feet. Ahh, who are we kidding? It’s not her feet we keep staring at.

This isn’t Cavallari’s first go-round with dimpled balls. She also dated Matt Leinart for a while. And if his balls are like his cheeks … well you get the picture.

Click the “Read More” tab for more pictures of this dimpled-ball whacker.

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When John Daly and Kid Rock got together to be part of a celebrity pro-am golf tournament in Grand Blanc, Mich., yesterday, everyone was aware of what could possibly happen. But nobody could have scripted what actually happened in a more festive and redneck manner.

Here’s what might have been said as John Daly and Kid Rock walked to the tee:

Kid Rock: Hey Tubbs, did you check out my sweetass overalls?

John Daly: You’re the trash of Detroit. Why’d we get paired up as partners? I thought you were a cowboy, bay-bee.

Kid Rock: Cowboys wear overalls these days. It’s what I use to draw attention since I’m a washup. What are you going to use to draw attention to yourself, besides that giant belly?

John Daly: I’m gonna hit the ball off of a 24-ounce can of Budweiser.
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The media is clever.

They has us all thinking Tiger Woods was taking a sabbatical from golf until January to get surgery done on his knee. But TSC has learned the truth: Earth’s god of golf is actually in a coma-like state of mind.

Tiger’s “dormant state,” as doctors have begun calling it, is the result of a poisonous Granny Smith apple Tiger ate on the 16th tee during the playoff round between him and Rocky Mediate at the 108th U.S. Open.

After falling behind to Mediate at the 16th, Tiger went for the apple, which an accomplis of Mediate had earlier tainted with an unknown poison. After devouring most of the apple, Tiger is said to have thrown the core in frustration. Then he sent the round to sudden death: exactly what the Mediate clan had hopped for.

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You can be Urkel or you can be Juliet’s Romeo. You can be LeBron or you can be Poindexter. You can ace your tests or you can party late. You can rock white Ts or Lacoste Polos.

Or you can do all of the above. That would make you a Nerdy McFly.

Nerdy McFly? Isn’t that some sort of comic book?

No, it’s an ideology all about balance. You can be smart and you can be cool at the same time. If you’re laughing, it’s because you’re not a Nerdy McFly yet. You don’t understand.

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