Maybe Michael Phelps should start at wide receiver

SAM CASSELL (-1) over The Glass Ceiling for Aliens Coaching in the NBA, because Danny Ainge just offered him an assistant position.

Fatass Detroit Pistons Fans (+9) over NORMAL SEASON TICKET PACKAGES, because apparently now the Pistons offer meal plans.

Playing Football Underwater (+SPEEDOS) over HURRICANE IKE CANCELLATIONS, because right now, the Texas Tech game is still on, and this is what their stadium looks like.

Shitting your pants (-8) over LINDA COHN, because the editor of Deadspin has no game with the ladies.

PRANK CALLERS (+4.5) over Pete Carroll, because it’s not that hard to access a media teleconference.

Kanye West (+3) over EXPENSIVE CAMERAS because that that don’t kill him, makes him stronger.

Teamwork: Who needs an internship when your college president can help?

Quick hits before you get your drank and two step on . . .

• Remember that drunk Rhode Island man that blew a .491 BAC? Oh yeah, he was a former college president chef. And for sure, your favorite Iowa Central CC president approves. (Brown Daily).
• Hey Mom, I really can make money from spending countless hours toying around YouTube. Penn State kid who made the “Jesus Shot” Tiger Woods video made bank from EA Sports. (Daily Collegian)
• Jay Mariotti doesn’t inspire college journalists, either. (Daily Illini)

College football starts in a mere HOURS, so a quick roundup will have to do til then while we pregame . . .

• Jay Mariotti, please don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Douchebag. (AwfulAnnouncing)
• Michael Phelps: Olympian, eight-time gold metal winner, host of SNL. (Fanhouse)
• Shawne Merriman is a complete idiot. (SportingNewsBlog)

• Eddie Curry was a gymnast at one time (SternWarning)
• How would Usain Bolt do in the NFL? (Cuzoogle)
• America’s Paper-Rock-Scissors champ video (Red Sox Monster)
• David Wright’s girlfriend is a model and she’s smokin’ (Frock Couture)
• Stadiums serving alcohol to minors and drunks (The Big Lead)
• A Gilbert Arenas REALITY SHOW?? (Mr. Irrelevant)

IRABOOOOO: George Steinbrenner once called ex-Yankee pitcher Hideki Irabu a “fat, pussy toad.”

It must be the toad species that can handle alcohol better than us humans, because Irabu was arrested last night for assault after consuming 20 beers in Japan.

Irabu “allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair and smashed at least nine liquor bottles” after his credit card was rejected, according to the NY Post.

ANATOMY OF A SHITTY QUARTERBACK:

Read more…

A few things to get your grin goin’ this morning:

• A guide to wearing headbands (The Blowtorch)
• Michael Phelps could eat a horse (Simon on Sports)
• Madden code of Conduct (Blue Monkey)
• Jerseys you never want to be seen in (SportsLine)
• Johnson wants to be Ocho Cinco legally (ProFootballTalk)